So this is Cristmas?

This year I told Scott that I didn't want anything and my reasons are these:

Each time I turn on the news and see the chaos we have created for ourselves during a time of year we set aside for us to celebrate the birth of one whose teachings are the complete antithesis of what we now do on Christmas it turns my stomach.

We are so focused on giving things, objects, that we have lost sight of the fact that giving attention and love to a child, or a smile to your neighbor, or even a conversation with a homeless person is so much more than giving an object that you can buy 364 of the other days of the year. I don't want to take part in that. It seems so empty.

I don't want to sew that seed of Anger and Greed.

This year I have made a lot of the gifts that I will give my family and Scott has made donations to the Red Cross in the names of certian people who I can't mention here because it's supposed to be a suprise and I think I just blew it....Anyway, my point is: it felt so much better doing Christmas this way than it has in years past rushing out to grab exactly what the other person has requested and ignoring the voice inside of me that is screaming "this thing is NOT a reflection of the way I feel about you or our relationship". This is the seed I mentioned earlier, I feel really good about the gifts that I have made and given, they came from the heart. And my hope is that when I hand the package to it's recipient they will feel the love and care I have put into it and this will grow and be with them throughout the year.

I know this way of celebrating Christmas will not be right for some, but for me I feel like I have discovered something new about giving. It's not so much what you give, but what's inside. Maybe this can make a difference...a little...a seed of hope.

I love you ALL and I hope that your celebrations bring you and your families Joy and Warmth and Happiness that will grow and be with you all throughout the years to come.

"My father who is in Heaven? don't let me forget my name"


Well, it's been quite some time since I last posted anything on my blog. I can't seem to sit still long enough to type anything out, and quite honestly when given the choice I'd rather be doing something physically active than sitting in front of the computer.

So I went out West and had my great soul searching adventure in New Mexico. It was wonderful. I wandered, and saw, and ate Fry Bread, and talked to a lot of cool folks, and learned a lot about pueblo Indian culture. Some of the highlights of my trip were going to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum, seeing the pertoglyphs, meeting Laura in El Paso, and spending an afternoon by myself in my beloved Mexico. Also seeing the Monarchs on their migration to Mexico.

I met a very cool artist named David, who said to me exactly what I needed to hear on this trip. He said "it's cool when you are a mutt and no one wants you because it really forces you to want yourself". This is the point that I really need to keep reminding myself of. I am constantly trying to compare myself to others in all aspects of my life, as an artist, an actor, a woman, and even as a friend. I guess somewhere in my mind I think that if I am not exactly like those who inspire me then I'm not a legitimate artist, when the reality is is that I just need to stop and trust my expression and know that it is enough.

Letting go

This is the hardest thing for me to do (I also know that I am not the only one to feel this way). When doing yoga I have the hardest time just letting myself "sink" in to the ground during Savasana. I believe in the collective unconscious and I think that all humans are capable of creating transcendent art. It is in our own trust and willingness to allow ourselves to sink into the stream of the unconscious and allow the art to flow through us as a filter. The art is there already and it is up to us to provide the expression. It is also up to us to respect the calling and have the courage enough to do the exploration and descending necessary to create this art.

I kind of feel like I have been a dry well since I have returned from my trip it is the most frustrating feeling and I'm driving myself crazy with it. I guess I was thinking that when I returned I would have this well of information at my fingertips to pull from and create these amazing recreations of White Sands and Santa Fe...whatever, etc. etc. etc., but instead I feel stuck. I've barely looked at my photos or read through my journal. Instead I've been beating myself up over not creating what I think I should be creating and not respecting what I have been creating. The truth is, I don't really have a lot of time to sit and reflect. I miss summer, and how much more relaxed I am when it is warm outside.

When I look at paintings by Georgia O'Keefe or Frida Khalo I think the couldn't possibly have had this much angst and self doubt. Maybe they did, or maybe they trusted themselves enough to give themselves the space they needed to create.

I'm sure, like everything else, this too will pass.