My experience with Cervical Insufficiency
On Friday, October 11th, 2013 we lost our daughter at 21w2d.
Exactly a week before I was experiencing some mucosy discarge and an overwhelming feeling of unease. I canceled my appointments for the day and my husband drove me to my OBGYN.
Exactly a week before I was experiencing some mucosy discarge and an overwhelming feeling of unease. I canceled my appointments for the day and my husband drove me to my OBGYN.
We had just had our 20 week fetal scan 2 days before, so when my doctor walked in the room, she was easy going and confident that I was just experiencing a UTI...until she did a pelvic exam...
I'll never forget what she said; 'I don't like what I'm seeing. You're cervix is open and you membranes are coming out.'
An ultrasound confirmed this to be true. I was dialated 1.7 centimeters. There was an 8 centemeter bulging sack of fluid in the vaginal canal and only 3 centemeters of fluid for the baby. I was immedeately admitted to the hospital and put into trendellenberg position in hopes that the bulging sack would go back from which it came and a rescue cerclage could be preformed.
Another ultrasound was scheduled for Monday. It showed no change. They checked again on Wednesday, this time there was cord in the bulging sack. An amnio test confirmed the presence of amniotic fluid... I was no longer a candidate for cerclage.
I cried a lot that day.
My doctor assured me that some women can maintain bed rest and t-berg position until viability, so long as there's no presence of infection. My mind was set. I'd wait it out. Her heartbeat was always strong, she could make it.
Friday morning my doctor checked in. She asked how I was. I responded 'Still pregnant.'
It was about 7:30pm. My husband, who never left my side, had just finished preparing our dinner. I asked him to move the food tray away and get the bed pan because I felt like I had to have a bowel movement. I had a productive one and the pressure in my abdomen stopped. We ate dinner.
Shortly after we finished eating I felt like I had to go again. I asked for the bed pan. After a few unproductive minutes I called the nurse because something just didnt feel right. When the nuse came in she was relaxed and said that she thought that the pressure I was feeling was bowel related...and that's when I felt something in my vaginal canal.
I asked the nurse to check to see what it was. She looked and then rushed out of the room saying that she needed to get another nurse to check. That's when I knew that we were going to lose our little girl.
I was taken to L&D. The nurse said that I was delivering everything, placenta, baby, water bag. I pushed twice and it was over.
The nurse had to open the water sack to get the baby out. She wasn't going to live, her lungs weren't developed.
My husband cut the cord and the nurse put our daughter on my chest. We marvelled at her perfection and cried that her strong heart would soon stop beating. We held her for about an hour. We told her how much we loved her. Soon she was gone.
The two days after we lost her I was holding it together pretty well, I even commented in my journal that 'today I almost feel normal.' I didn't feel that way for long. The realization that I wouldn't feel her moving in my belly anymore set in and I was immediately lost and angry, my mind racing with anxiety.
I wasn't pregnant anymore. Our daughter had died. I lost her. She was so strong but my body failed her. I'm 41, will I ever be able to carry a healthy baby to term? I'm so f'ing pissed! I don't want to wait to get pregnant again but I'm terrified to get pregnant again. My doctor said that I'd have to have a cerclage next time, I'm terrified, but I want to have a baby so bad.
It's Sunday, a week and 2 days since we lost her. I didn't cry this morning when I woke up. Today and yesterday I was able to get through half the day before I broke down, I think I'm doing better. I still can't talk about it though.
We're having her cremated. We have a meeting with the funeral director tomorrow...I cancelled the rest of my day.
Holding other people's babies is comforting. Their baby smell is soothing. I worry though that my friends who have babies don't want me to see them for fear that their presence will make me sad. I appreciate their concern, the opposite, however, is true.
Thank you for taking your time to read my scattered thoughts. I'd appreciate it if anyone who reads this, who's had a loss from CI, could respond.
Jenniwren
posted by Jen @ 12:26 PM
11 Comments:
Hi beautiful mama. I don't have a baby you can hold, but i have a toddler who may or may not let you hold her. and I also love you and am holding a space of light and hope for you. The journey of grief is gut wrenchingly hard, and everything you are feeling is unfortunately spot on for grief. My mom had cervical insufficiency (I was born at 31 weeks) but unfortunately she can't chime in to comfort you...i wish she could. I wish I had magic words to ease the grief, but I know from experience that there are no magic words...just love. and you have that in abundance my beautiful friend.
Jennie, you have been constantly on my mind in the last weeks. Your loss is a devastating one. I have not experienced CI but.a constellation of other "things" caused me to lose four pregnancies that I'm aware of, but I suspect there were others. I won't get graphic here, but i will say it is unspeakably sad to see the perfection of a tiny human that your body was unable to support. But it's also not fair to blame that body. It is, after all, a gift from your own parents. I had my second healthy baby at 41. One of my best friends had hers at 45. Women are doing this now, and the fact that you are forearmed with the knowledge of what awaits you next time should provided some comfort. In the meantime know you are loved, supported, cherished, nourished. All my love to you.
Jen, I don't know you, but I cannot read your story and not feel connected to you somehow. I have no words, no wisdom to share. Just please know that I am holding you and your daughter in my heart.
Jen --
This is so hard. I experienced pre-eclampsia (or whatever they're calling it this week) and delivered my twins at 26+ weeks. One, my daughter, didn't live. I think there was something wrong with her and that's why my body wanted to miscarry. She fought it for 5 days, but it wasn't going to happen. My son, who was 2lb and 12" long at birth is now 18 and 6'1". He's my bittersweet joy.
Yes, it will get better. But not soon. I relived the events leading up to Olivia's death daily (or many times per day) for years, and still think about her a lot in the weeks surrounding their birthday.
Please, hold as many babies as you can. Love them and smell them and snuggle them. I hope your friends with babies will understand. If they don't seem to, don't be afraid to tell them. They're nervous and not wanting to upset you. You'll be doing them a favor by letting them in to your grief. In our society, we're so afraid of grief -- as if it's contagious. To this day, I'm sad if no one mentions my daughter's name on her birthday or her deathday.
Be gentle with you, and with your family and friends. Talk to someone about grief -- a minister, a counselor, a social worker. Don't live in it by yourself. And recognize that all of us grieve differently. Your partner may cope in a completely different way. Not wrong, just different.
Loving thoughts and prayers to you.
I don't know you, but I was directed here by someone who cares. I have not had CI, but my husband's cousin has and her journey led me to pursue training to become a birth & bereavement doula through stillbirthday.com to support women who experience heartbreaking pregnancy losses. She is not local, but I will direct her here and ask if she would be willing to speak with you.
Like Sara, I don't have a baby for you to hold, but I'm willing to share my sweet 3 year old. I would be happy to help in any way, whether that's just sitting with you or helping with getting the service ready. I can give you resources, both local and online, to help you find support. I am happy that you are expressing yourself and teaching out for support. Your friends and family may want to help, but they may not know how, and your instincts are correct that they are afraid to make it worse. You are also correct that connecting with women who have gone through this will help you.
I saw this link from a facebook friend and am so sorry for your loss. I did not experience the same issues that you did, but I lost a baby at 16 weeks and had to deliver him. It was heartbreaking and surreal, and devastating. My baby was already gone when I delivered him, but we got to hold him and say goodbye. It was comforting to have that closure. I just wanted to tell you that the pain did ease. We still talk about Weston and how we'll see him again in Heaven. Good luck, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
My friend shared this with me who knows your husband. I have lost 3 babies at 9, 11 and 13 weeks. What I appreciate the most is that you opened up to talk about this. I find that women don't discuss loss and how it affects us. I went into labor with my 11-week miscarriage. I can't imagine what you went through; especially after the birth. Every life is important, and your feelings are real, and powerful. I will say a prayer for you and your husband, as I know the days are dark now.
I have never been pregnant or had a baby but someone linked you on my fb and I have tears streaming down my face for you. I hope that you find the strength to try again because I cam feel all the love you have for your babies. <3 I love your little girl and I'm so happy you had the chance to hold her, what a bad ass lady you are, to have the strength to let her go.
Jen,
I cannot tell you how sorry I am to read of the death of your baby girl. What I can say is that you are not alone. There are no words really to express the immensity of this tragedy. I am not soliciting anything at all, but want you to know that I am part of a community of many other women who have experienced the deaths of our babies. Please call or email me 892-2782 karla.helbert@missfoundation.org
We meet the 3rd Monday of each month to support each other through this grief and through what is now our lives. You are brave and courageous to share your story and you daughter's story. Many people hold it in and hide behind whatever it is that they find it safest to hide behind. But so many of us know that there is no hiding from this kind of pain. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can help with.
May love and light surround you,
Karla
Hi Jen,
My cousin's wife, Mellissa, told me about your blog. I have now lost two sons due to my Cervix being incompetent. The first loss we didn't know that was why and none of the doctors at the time could determine the actual reason. My water broke at about 18 weeks, and 5 days later his umbilical cord was visible and touchable by my husband and I. We went to the hospital right away, and their answer wasn't exactly what I had hoped for. I wanted them to fix it, to make everything right and because I didn't know as much as I do now, well we were convinced to be induced. Lots of choices were made then by doctors that today I wouldn't be so blind to just trust everything that they said. *sigh* can't fix the past, but it does haunt me. The second loss happened 9 months later after we had gotten pregnant again, I switched OB's (didn't like the response the one that we had previously had to our loss). Our son Nicholas had reached 19 weeks and at this point no one thought cervix problems. My husband and I had gone out for the evening, I went to the restroom and had spotting. I nearly freaked out, grabbed my husband and said we needed to leave. So we got home and decided that I should drink lots of water and rest. While laying down I felt a pop, and I knew something was wrong. I went to talk to my husband and decided to see what I could feel, well I didn't feel my cervix, instead I felt the sac bulging. We called the doctor on call, they said we could come downtown (to Milwaukee) or we could wait until the morning for an appointment with my OB. Well I wasn't waiting, and probably shouldn't have waited earlier when I saw the bleeding... anyways. From there our stories get very similar. Bed rest, bed pan, feet as far up as possible, headache galore, but there was hope. The Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor that we had told us we could stay as long as we wanted, he would do everything he could do to get us at least to a viable point for steroids, and see what happens. Well a day after being on bedrest I felt my water break and within 30 minutes I had delivered our second son. He was beautiful, and this time I spent time holding him and kept him around. His little heart was still beating, but there wasn't any way to keep him alive.
I love both of my boys so much. It's hard, but it gets easier on some days. I lost Christopher Dec. 3, 2010, and Nicholas Sept 2, 2011. I will remember those days for the rest of my life. If you want to talk at all, feel free to email me, call me or look me up on facebook. Whatever you want to do is up to you. cmdoduck@gmail.com, 540-664-3155, or just look up Cassie Driver in WI.
Dear Jen,
I am so sorry for you and your family. Reading your story brings everything back. Due to incompentent cervix, we lost our daughter Tate at 21 weeks in August of 2012. The experience was devastating and is truly beyond words to express. Everyone grieves differently but the thing that helped me was having good friends to talk with. I've relied on my existing friends but am also especially grateful for the support of other women who share similar experiences, most of whom I've met through MISS both the local chapter and online. I also live in Richmond, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm happy to share my story with you and also lend an ear to listen.
Take Care,
Julie
Wolfiejjb@gmail.com
804-335-4399
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